5 Napkin Burger

5 Napkin Burger - UWS Exterior

5 Borough Food Guys, meet 5 Napkin Burger. 5 Napkin Burger, ummmmm, meet me. A long while ago, I teased a visit to 5 Napkin on my other blog, GothamBurgers (or Got Hamburgers if you're so inclined) and I finally made my way to the 5NB on the Upper West Side. Side note, is it me or is the UWS starting to look a lot like the UES? The conversations were eerily similar and the conversations were similarly nauseating but I'm not judging, just being judgmental. Maybe I just need a friend? Or a hug? Or a friend to give me a hug?

I digress and forge ahead. We're here for burgers, not people watching.

The place has a nice interior, I'm into the whole, meat hooks hanging from the ceiling look and it worked for me. The music did not and the tv that was nestled in the corner showing afternoon football served as a good distraction since I had one small glass of water to satiate my thirst during my entire stay.

Original 5 Napkin Burger - Cooked Rare

The burger selection was rather slim compared to some of my favorite burger haunts (Island Burger jumps to mind) The menu featured a handful of options but the Original 5 Napkin Burger was where I started, though I'm not sure why because I'm not too fond of Gruyere, though I do love me some caramelized onions. Related note, I was a little upset to hear that I could have subbed out the Gruyere after I finished my burger and overheard someone at the next table ordering. Sure I could have asked that question but the waiter just offered that info to the other patron.

The important stuff - the burger was asked to be cooked rare and it was PERFECT! The bun, however, didn't really hold up too well. The burger is a little too large and there bun is a little too thin for a burger of this size. The juices just ripped through the bread like juice tends to do.

I've heard lots o' hype about the "fantastic!!!" 5 Napkin but I must say, I felt a little short changed here, like maybe 3 napkins. It was good and my grade is really just based on the food...ok, and partially on the meat hooks. I'd love for someone to explain the presence of sushi on the menu? And perhaps the random entrees? Funny because I was thinking of burgers at a burger joint but the proprietors thought otherwise.

The prices are also a bit high, the Original comes in at a modest $14.95. Yes, yes. It's Manhattan. Yo comprendo. But for serious, if someplace else can charge like 8 bucks for a similarly sized burger...well, you know what I'm saying. I was tempted to order the "Burger for 2" but I didn't wanna be that pig that eats the "Burger for 2" by himself. Especially since I don't drink Diet Coke so I can't properly wash down my gluttonous sins with some diet cola.

Rating 3.75/5 - I was satisfied with what I had but I wanted more. More what? I'm still not sure. I know I wanted more water but I only saw the waiter to order my food and deliver the check. Why'd he get a 25% tip? Oh yeah, I'm a shmuck.

Their site - http://5napkinburger.com/

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Gates Bar-B-Q

Gates Exterior - He looks charming

On the Road...the Kansas City BBQ Disappointment, Volume 2
On the subject of burnt ends, I got to sample some of this KCMO staple at Gates BBQ. Gates is BBQ meets chain meets the Varsity (of Atlanta fame). My Gates experience was a trip into a time warp with a dining room that looked fresh out of 1968 (not that it's a bad thing, just saying) combined with a dash of the Varsity.

For those of you who have been to the ATL and visited the Varsity, you've been greeted by the staff that continually beckons, "whattya have, whattya have?" No time to waste, no time to wait. You gotta order or get out the way for someone else to order, especially during the lunch or dinner rush. At Gates, the experience is somewhat similar, however less endearing. The staff member started with a, "hi, may I help you?" To which we replied, "one minute please." To which they replied, "hi, may I help you?" Then another one chimed in, "hi, may I help you?" I looked around and realized there was nobody else there and then they said it again, "hi, may I help you?" I started laughing and had a hard time keeping a straight face. When I was ready to order, I approached the counter and the girl in front of me asked, "hi, may I help you?" I think I got at least one more before my order was complete and I just was mystified. I'm convinced they're from Skynet.

Gates Pork Sandwich

On to the food, well, I have only photo proof of the pork sandwich which is rather small and packs a hefty $6 price tag. Sure it's fresh, or whatever, but it aint so cheap and it really aint so good either. I mean, I have a mental food calculator that tells me if I am getting both good food and a good value and this didn't meet either criteria. I must say that their hot bbq sauce is also really good (notice that I said the same about the lackluster A. Bryant experience. Why? Because I needed to find something nice to say).

Now for those Burnt Ends. Burnt, to me, implies a degree of crunch or at least some hardness that you should experience when biting into said end. That's just me, I guess. The burnt ends here were a heaping pile of mush that had a char to it but it was such a mush ball that you had little crunch as you munched.

I spent nearly 2 full days in KC and haven't been able to hit you up with much in terms of solid reviews, fear not KCMO fans, I've got one comin'.

Rating - 1.5/5 - there's some charm here. They offer something called the "Struttin Bucket" and that guy has a top hat on. I enjoy that. I also enjoy the signs at the entrance (see my tumblr). The food left a lot to be desired and got a decent bump by the top hat.

Their site - http://www.gatesbbq.com/Default.aspx

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Arthur Bryant's

Hello, I'm Arthur Bryant. Yes, THE Arthur Bryant

On The Road...The Kansas City BBQ Disappointment, Volume 1
I have this theory about BBQ food and it's fairly straight forward, BBQ is meant to be good and affordable, focus on the affordable. Affordable is just my fancy marketing term for cheap. By cheap, I mean regionally since cheap by NY standards is different from cheap by, say Missouri standards.

Why? Well, I've spent enough time in Texas, Oklahoma, and Georgia to know that the best BBQ that's ever been devoured by yours truly has been equal parts delicious and cheap. It's comfort food, comforting to the soul as much as the wallet.

All that said, my first KCMO experience with their take on BBQ was quite the letdown. The "must have" Arthur Bryant's, noted as one of the best in KC for decades, was truly a let down. I compare to when you were in high school and there was this guy/girl that you just HAD to go out with and when the opportunity finally came to really get to know this person, they were really just a waste of your present time and all the nights you spent dreaming about this day. Mr Bryant, I'm not blaming you but I'm kinda standing here pointing a finger at the employees that are soiling your good name and mooching off your reputation. Unless of course, if this is what you meant BBQ to be.

What went wrong? Well, for starters, the service here is a shade worse than awful - and this is coming from a New Yorker. Maybe the employees at this establishment on Brooklyn Ave were trying to embody the attitude of my hometown. If so, it worked but you still suck. Fear not though, you don't suck nearly as much as your "pulled pork." I use the term loosely because this pork could have easily been sipped up via a straw. It was a large pile of mush with little texture. On a happy note, I enjoyed the house hot sauce. The other meat you see on the tray at right is meant to be sausage. I compare it to room temperature bologna. Mmmmm, mmmm not good. A stack of white bread for the heck of it and you have $12 down the drain.

Which brings us full circle to my theory on BBQ. That is NOT $12 worth of food. Well, maybe in NY. Maybe they think they're in NY because they're on Brooklyn Ave, albeit in KCMO but this was the exact reason many of the locals said to avoid Jack's Stack BBQ, "it's too pricey" and go to Arthur Bryant's, "it's cheap and the best."

Rating - 1.5/5 - This was not my first taste of KC BBQ but it was the must have BBQ spot according to many. Good thing I don't hold grudges.

Their site - http://www.arthurbryantsbbq.com/index.htm

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